The Truth About Me

Some of you reading this blog have been with me for a few years now and have witnessed some of my ups and downs, the birth and death of scrapquick.com, problems with hackers and a previous attempt at retirement (which only lasted for a while.) Without knowing why, you have "seen" some of my best and worst moments. Well, there is a reason for this. Last fall, I found out I have Bipolar Disorder. After finding this out, I have been on 5 different mood stabilizers, trying to get the right balance, which I'm still not sure we have. I'm still in the tryout stage of the fifth medication.

Meanwhile, I have been trying to keep life together with our family of 8 and still do digital designing. Of course, something had to give eventually and guess what? It's designing that's going in the scrap pile again. (ha... a little pun there, I guess) I made this decision a few weeks ago and have been backing out of some online obligations a little bit at a time. My store at Digitals will close on June 30. I'm calling it my permanent summer vacation.

Does that mean I will never be back? Well, you all know I'm HOOKED and I enjoy designing but I confess that the marketing, packaging, promotion and competitive nature of this business/hobby sucks the life out of me. So I'm not going to make any grand predictions or assumptions about how I will feel in the future because I've learned that's a dumb idea for me. I do feel like I am leaving designing for now on a positive note, unlike last time, when I was absolutely and totally overwhelmed by everything digital. I feel like I am making the right decision for the right reason and that's a very positive thing for me.

I wasn't really sure how/when I was going to broach this topic but I was working on my first Digi Dareand decided to scrap about my mental illness. And sharing the LO seemed like a good idea to help explain my inconsistencies.

Here it is and the journaling is below. If you don't want to muddle through all of it, I just want to say before you leave...please do consider staying subscribed to my blog. There are for sure 2 more freebies coming up and perhaps I will have time to share some other tidbits with you too.

THANKS for supporting my business and dont forget to shop with me before my products are gone from Digitals forever.


Journaling:
I have suffered from mental illness for twenty five years but I never realized until this year that my definition of normal has always been skewed by Bipolar Disorder. This realization came with a flood of mixed emotions ... from anger to relief and it has been a slow burn over the last nine months to come to terms with this diagnosis and what it means for my life. It has caused me to stumble in my faith but God has still been faithful all these years, even when I could not see it. He has shown me that He always limited the damage I was doing and limited the effects Bipolar Disorder has had on my family and in my personal life. Most people who look at me may never guess at the internal struggles I have had for so long. But they have been there: multiple. long seasons of depression and multiple punctuated times of hyper-productivity with the neglect of most everything else. I used to beat myself up when I was unable to keep up with all the things I would start while manic, thinking that was my “best” or ”true” self. But my best self is somewhere in between, resting in the knowledge that God is taking care of me, pursuing Him for wisdom and grace and being content with the every day activities of a large family. God has shown me that this illness can be a HIDDEN GIFT because it forces me to follow hard after God no matter where I am emotionally. I read a little excerpt from a testimony today from Jennifer Rothschild, a woman who lost her sight at fifteen years old. Decades later she still says, “Blindness itself doesn’t feel like a gift, but what came with it certainly is. Blindness has given more than it has taken. I have received an opportunity to choose gratefulness, strengthen my faith and learn how to live trusting God more than my feelings. Anything that decreases our dependence on self and increases our dependence on God really is a gift. We just need to be grateful to recognize it.” Lord God, grant that I may always be grateful for wherever I am each day, because you are right there with me.

credits:

Poesie Kit - Choubinette
torn overlay - Natasha Nast
metal numbers - unknown
stamped letters - Brenda Kempf