Well, it's been quite a while since I updated here, hasn't it? For the scrapping I did, I posted on my Facebook page because I got tired of collecting credits as I went along and I thought my "real life" friends and my family might be more interested in photos of my kids than my online friends LOL.
Things have been up and down around here. I am about a year out from my Bipolar diagnosis and still have not found a good medication. I am on my sixth one right now but I found out yesterday that my health insurance is ending as of October 31. We were getting it through a state program for the last year and now my husband and no I longer qualify. Our kids still qualify but their premium is going to triple. So for me, we cannot afford to pay out of pocket for a monthly visit to the psychiatrist and the medication. The prescription is about $275 per month and that's a cheaper one than some of the others I tried. Honestly, I don't think this one was going to work out anyway; I was getting a whopper of a headache EVERY morning since I increased the dosage as instructed. I didn't take any last night and no headache this morning.
A few months ago I would have been scared stiff to think about facing life without the help of some sort of mood stabilizer but I am beginning to think differently about it. I have been having a hard time with my spiritual life over the last year and it is my belief that the some of the medications I been taking have dulled me so much I was unable to connect with God in any meaningful way whatsoever. It's like they just turned off my soul, which was very, very uncomfortable. But I was so desperate to get a handle on my manic side that I just let it go until I couldn't stand it anymore. Some of these medications would start off great and just slowly make me more and more of a zombie as the weeks or months would go on. Some of these pills had negative side effects besides the mental dullness. Headaches. Weight gain. Not giving a rip about stuff. Very painful stomach problems. No attention span. Crazy nicotine cravings (after being a non-smoker for MANY years) Bizarre adrenaline responses. Sleeping too much. And you know what? My mood was still going up and down so I was a dullard with side effects and not getting any relief for my symptoms.
Meanwhile, I have been fighting with God about this, when I have been spiritually lucid enough. Why am I like this? Did God make me this way? Was he gonna leave me this way? Would he heal me?
I haven't received any direct answers to these questions but I have received AN ANSWER many times in many ways. God wants me to know he loves me. Very much. Just the way I am.
So my next step is to try life again without medication but WITH GOD. What's the point of enduring all the side effects for only short periods of symptom relief but no God? That's just going through the motions.
I don't know what things will look like for me. I don't even know if right now I am simply on the good part of a manic swing, thinking everything will be fine. Maybe, but I think what's different is I am choosing to put my hope and trust in a God who knows me better than I know myself. So we'll see where it all goes.
Right now I am grateful that I can get up in the morning. The last medication I was using caused me to go to sleep at about 8:30 every night and it was excruciating to get up in the morning. At first it was hellish getting off it because I couldn't fall asleep and I had a couple nights where I was waking up every 20-30 minutes all night long. Now I am going to bed at a reasonable time at getting up before the kids to watch Joyce Meyer on TV. I have been able to start reading again. I can understand what's going on in Bible study. I can pray. Later if I can't do that, I am setting up a reminder for myself. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26
I hope to get back to blogging on a more regular basis, just to help me see where I am going and to process what's going on in my life. I realize my journey may not interest many of you who originally tuned in to see what was going on with my digital scrapbook design business. So if you unsubscribe that's cool. I cannot make a guess right now whether I will ever go back to designing, even freebies. At first it was REALLY hard to let go so I made the challenge freebies and that helped. But lately my creativity has been really lacking. I haven't even felt like doing scrapbook pages. But this has happened before LOL so it doesn't mean anything permanent! Just another thing I'll have to wait and see about. Sometimes I think about contacting some designers and asking them if they'd consider doing a collaboration with me but I haven't had the guts to do it yet. I'm OK with that for now.
That's the update for now. Like I said, hopefully I will be back more frequently. THANKS for reading.
5 comments:
I don't have much understanding about this illness & I'm bad with words so I'm really sorry if I sound awkward. I basically just wanted you to know that there are people out there wishing you well & that I hope you will find whatever strength, comfort & support you need..
Hello Christine! I prayed for you this morning - and I breathed that prayer all through your post. I think most people will never know the depths of struggle you are facing in this - but I am thrilled to know you are not walking this alone. You may not "feel" it and by applying all of your human instincts you assess God's presence by what you know - I did this for years, YEARS! He is there. He has never left. And I will pray that through His power you might find some stability. About 15 years ago I read an article by a womens physician that said over 75% of women out there do not get enough of one of the most critical vitamins she needs for stability - B6. He recommended starting at 250mg a day as the high level. I did this not having much hope - but within a week to 10 days I could not believe how much of the 'fog' lifted. Like I said - that was 15 years ago. I still take it every day - sometimes 100mg - sometimes the 250 depending on my perceptions of how I am. It has made such a difference in my life that I have shared this with many friends and women I talk to. I know your troubles run deeper - but if they are compounded by other issues - like a lack of B6 - Hey, I would give it a try. You will be in my prayers! Stay strong and don't depend on your feelings! =) HUGS!!!
SO glad to hear from you, Christine. I understand what you are going thru. I am manic depressive, and took several meds. before I found one that worked. The doc has changed it over the years. I don't think the one I'm on now is working or if I have just gotten lazy since retirement. I do not have the desire to keep my house clean like I used to. I hate cooking and get out of it when possible. I am going to try the --B6 vitamins and see. it can't hurt.
Christine ... my sister was diagnosed with bipolar just a few short years ago after living with it all of her life. she also made the choice to stop taking the meds because even though it's incredibly difficult, she just didn't feel like herself anymore. it's not going to be easy but as long as you try to hang on to that and draw on your inner strength, i'll be praying that you'll be able to cope. my heart goes out to you. lisar
(((HUGS))) to you! I am sorry you are going through so many hard things! Know that there are people out there who care about you!
Post a Comment