Well, I've been off my last medication for a week and my brain and personality are returning. It's been two weeks since I've taken the last one that was really giving me problems and my appetite is just now returning to normal. It is SO NICE to not be hungry all the time. I wished I had not waited so long to make a change because I put on 20 pounds with that medication. I kept thinking with enough willpower that I could overcome it but now that it is out of my system I realize how overpowering it was. It's no wonder I kept eating! I also didn't realize just how dulled my thinking and brain had become until now that my thoughts are returning. I feel like I missed out on some important stuff in the last year, like really being able to enjoy a cruise with my husband. I was reading a blog earlier this week by someone with bipolar disorder who realized how his medication had affected him when he basically felt untouched by and unemotional about the terrorist attacks on 9/11. He knew he should be upset but he had nothing. I have felt that was many times in the last year but it was a trade I was willing to make at the time in order to be less agitated and upset about everything or nothing at all. That was the best decision I could make at the time but I don't want that life any more. I would rather have bad feelings than no feelings.
I wonder how I'm going to feel about this, though, when things get out of control. Right now, I am just wondering rather than worrying, so that's progress! I KNOW there are going to be days or maybe even weeks where it will take all I have just to get out of bed and get the kids off to school. There will be times where mania comes full force. Maybe I will feel desperate for medication again, although if I take stock of the last year, I experienced these highs and low even while on medication! For now, I just want to enjoy feeling like myself, without having to make grandiose plans about how to handle something that may or may not happen any time soon. And that's just how I feel today.
